Small Steps to Great Parenting Read online

  Small Steps to Great Parenting

  Dr. Kalanit Ben-Ari

  First print Published by Swan & Horn, Scotland

  Kindle published by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  Email: [email protected]

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  Intellectual rights retained by the author Copyright © Kalanit Ben-Ari 2017.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the Publisher.

  Disclaimer: Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of information contained in this publication, however no guarantee can be given that all errors and omissions have been excluded. The Publisher and Author accept no responsibility for loss occasioned to any person acting or refraining from action as a result of the content of this book.

  Editorial: Hannah Phillips and Bethany Howell.

  Covers and graphic design: Maria Hampshire-Carter and Shani Ivgi Barber.

  To Oriya and Hila

  For your gift

  of showing me

  where I need to grow

  Contents

  Welcome into this book

  How this book came about

  Overview of the content

  How to read this book

  INTRODUCTION TO PART ONE

  Good versus positive parenting: preparing for life

  Focus on the relationship versus discipline

  React positively in daily interactions

  Imagine the home you want to create

  The impact of positive daily interactions

  Make the ‘in-between’ moments matter

  “Mindful” versus “perfect” parenting

  Live the change – and reap the rewards

  Chapter 1: Positive words create positive realities

  Reinforce the positive to address the negative

  “No, no, no!”

  Stigma creates identity

  The test of time

  Awakening cooperation

  Wean off “Why?”

  Preparing a plan

  Choked by choice

  The wonder of words

  Left with the “but”

  Help when needed

  Who wants to volunteer?

  Chapter 2: The beauty of belonging

  Belonging as base

  Sharing is caring

  Challenge them with the problem

  Be in touch

  The battle of the homework

  Your child’s wisdom

  Chapter 3: Your smile can change your child’s brain!

  The strength of a smile

  Wants versus needs

  Smile when you least feel like it

  Laughter therapy

  Attention time

  The power of a glance

  Children channel your calm

  The look of love

  Chapter 4: Kindness goes a long way

  From the mouths of babes

  Take it outside

  Buddha wisdom

  Emotional bank account

  Sow your values

  It’s an educational road

  Play-date patience: remembering the real you

  The “Thank you!” way

  Don’t play the shame game

  Chapter 5: What you see from here, you do not see from there

  Understanding the code

  A world of giants

  Why do they act the way they do?

  The quick step

  A rocky gift

  Planned screaming

  Don’t give the third degree

  Traffic light danger

  The camera doesn’t lie

  Beyond behaviour: seeing the schema

  Chapter 6: Encourage conversation — not interrogation

  Space, space, space

  Face feelings

  Send an invitation

  Cultivate curiosity

  The license to “be”

  “Thank you for telling me”

  Language stimulations are good – but your approach is better

  Are your comments “expanding” or “closing”?

  Listen long (and talk short)

  Mirroring and your child’s brain

  Mirroring is key to development of the self

  Chapter 7: Teach your children to trust their instincts

  “I am amazing!”

  The magic of mistakes

  Indulge the inner artist (silently)

  Let them explore their own way

  Instilling independence

  It’s okay to fail

  A climate of honesty

  Encouragement

  Am I spoiling my child?

  Constructive criticism is still criticism

  Chapter 8: The downside of praise

  The downside of praise

  The “I worked hard!” way

  Find the pride inside

  Encouragement versus praise

  Delete the brackets

  Mindsets for growth

  Their achievement or yours?

  Abilities are developed

  Don’t say it if you don’t believe it!

  What you say is not what they hear

  Praise patience

  In place of praise or judgement

  Chapter 9: Beyond play: Creating confidence

  Free time is golden

  Create space

  Take a step back

  The benefits of boredom

  Playing equals learning

  Be where you are

  Bring play to chores

  Be the base

  “Stop” and “Go”

  Build a happy playground

  Putting it all together

  INTRODUCTION TO PART TWO

  Looking back is the first step forward

  Intrusion vs neglect parenting

  The perfection gap: fantasy meets reality

  The root of your challenge

  Chapter 10: Parenting visions for challenging times

  Walk the walk

  Build from a strong core

  Make the magic come alive

  Own your lake

  Wear rose-tinted glasses

  See struggle as a good thing

  See the amazing!

  Choose children – not screens

  When you look back

  Point toward progress

  Chapter 11: Self-disclosure time

  Feelings as clues

  Letting go

  Your past in the present

  Share the real you

  The future is now

  Rewrite the script

  Search the positive past

  Caring for the caregiver

  When the problem becomes the pattern

  Taking a look at timing

  Mirror image

  Chapter 12: The echo of your words

  “Yes”, “No” or “Maybe so”

  “I told you so”

  The frequency of “No”

  Good and bad – there’s no such thing

  When it’s not about love


  A mistake or bravery?

  Speak words of trust

  Speak to the “better self”

  It’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it!

  The wolf of the heart

  Chapter 13: Transitions: Change from the child’s perspective

  Mood music

  Touch points ease transition

  Changing the channel

  Raising resilience

  Create a mantra

  Breathe easy

  Morning with Buddha

  Is it normal?

  Talk about expectations

  Present the dilemma

  Chapter 14: Routine rules

  Set up for success

  Silence the screens

  Waking up with music

  The role of routine?

  Have space for fun

  Routine breaks

  The good of the gong

  Change your role

  Bedtime – trick or a treat?

  Making the most of mealtimes

  Chapter 15: Sibling relationships

  Play with positioning

  One at a time

  Celebrate siblings

  Beyond compare

  Feelings of fairness

  Team teaching

  Be a coach (not a referee)

  Avoid the blame game

  Cultivate caring

  How the sun shines

  Beware of angels

  Mind the gap

  Older angst

  Chapter 16: Parental authority

  Safe means sound

  Trust yourself

  Make a mantra

  With the baby we gave birth to guilt

  Method to the madness

  Knowing when to relax boundaries

  Let the challenge be your lesson

  Raise your words not your voice

  What do they want to tell us?

  The sign for restart

  Chapter 17: Parents as a team

  Together as one

  The power of working together

  How to navigate a dead end

  “But I’m right!”

  You are both right!

  Build on couple strengths

  More than one model

  We “need” versus we “must”

  Reading the right team sheet

  Putting it all together

  Sources and resources

  WELCOME INTO THIS BOOK

  There is a saying among therapists that ‘we teach what we want to improve in ourselves’. This is probably why the focus of my own work as a therapist, primarily with couples, turned more to therapy with parents soon after having my first child. As my own children reached toddlerhood, I found myself providing more and more consultations, lectures and workshops for parents. I noticed when I taught a specific topic that I became more conscious of it, and this greatly improved my relationship with my own children. Whenever I faced a parenting challenge, I offered a workshop on it. I realised that ‘parenting’ is like a muscle, one we need to use, to stretch, to exercise and to challenge; if we are persistent and flex the parenting muscle, we will enjoy the results of this flexible and healthy way of living.

  Small Steps to Great Parenting has grown out of many years of experience as a family therapist. I started out working with deprived children living in a hostel. After completing a PhD in psychology, I began to work with couples and families at my private clinic. More parents came to see me for a wide range of reasons, covering all kinds behavioural challenges, communication issues and emotional difficulties. By this stage, they had often been inundated with complicated, out-dated and frequently conflicting advice, bouncing unsuccessfully from tolerating their children’s tantrums to implementing time-outs and star charts. Time after time, they told me that rather than these kinds of short-term gimmicks, they wanted simple, effective tips for handling day-to-day situations that would work over the long term – tips that would allow them to communicate more effectively with their children.

  All the parents who come to see me want to be the best parents they can be. They feel there must be another way to deal with their challenges. I teach them how to listen to what happens in the family dynamic, and I will do the same for you through this book. Using simple techniques, you will learn how to create a relationship with your children you’ve always desired.

  How this book came about

  It all started after a workshop I gave on the topic of sibling relationships. I was contacted by Alex, a father of three. My ideas and approach made a lot of sense to him, and he asked me whether I would consider putting tips and short ideas about parenting in a newsletter for people like him, who found it difficult to find time to read and digest the lengthy parenting books that were available. This is how the idea for this book was born – a comprehensive and quick guide for busy parents. I know how hard it can be for time-pressured parents to find either the time or energy to read the books they want to, especially when they are facing more challenges than ever before – increasing academic pressure on their children, and battles over screen time are just two examples.

  Most parenting books on the market focus on problems that need ‘fixing’, usually to do with functions – problems with sleeping, eating, behaviour or toilet training. Of course, many parents are on the lookout for a ‘quick fix’ – some magic solution – but unfortunately there is no such thing! The key ingredients for successful parenting are deeper than that. They include thoughtfulness, planning and strategy, and consideration of your own values. As Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, once said: ‘You cannot fix a relationship, but you can transform it’. The content of Small Steps is broken down into easily digestible concepts, with chapters which focus on specific areas that parents find challenging. It offers practical and easy-to-use tips which they can implement every day. All the suggestions relate to small changes that can make a big difference. Using just one tip a day can foster a joyful connection between you and your children.

  This book is not about telling you a single ‘right’ way to deal with behaviour issues (which is what many parents believe the case to be) but gives a range of ideas. My aim is to support you to expand your options. I will help you tap into your own creativity in your parenting, so that you can discover which options are right for you. While it’s tempting to delve into a book that deals with one specific issue – usually the most pressing one for your child at that time – this approach does not allow meaningful changes to occur. This is because it isn’t possible to separate children’s specific behaviours from the wider family dynamic. We need to look always at the big picture rather than the symptom – the underlying problem.

  A colleague of mine compared the situation to a bagel – a dough ring with a hole in the middle. We can choose to concentrate on the hole in the middle, which represents the problem, but of course there’s nothing there! Instead we should focus on the ring of dough, which represents our relationships. By making this ring fuller and bigger, the hole in the middle gets smaller – without you working on it directly. The book you are now reading is about the dough, about the many ways in which you can foster a positive and healthy connection between you and your children that not only makes your days more joyful, but also decreases any challenging behaviours in the family dynamic.

  Overview of the content

  Part One lays the foundations for positive and connected relationships between parents and their children. These basic principles, at the heart of our conscious relationships with our children, are described in the Introduction, which clarifies the difference between ‘good’ and ‘effective’ parents and describes why parenting can be so challenging, especially when we focus on the relationship rather than specific problems or discipline. It also illustrates the power of positive int
eractions, parental attitude and the process of change.

  The chapters in this section focus on expanding your parenting skills and giving you a ‘toolkit’ to equip you for your positive parenting journey – a journey that’s about exploring and trying things out. There are simple techniques for reacting in a positive and encouraging way to a variety of day-to-day situations with your children, often very simple reactions that build trust and strengthen connections, so helping to create a positive atmosphere in the home, whereby the big picture of your values and goals as a parent translate into simple, everyday, hands-on interactions.

  You will learn about the power of your words in daily interactions with your children, and the change that positive words can bring when coupled with a positive set of approaches. The Beauty of Belonging emphasises the importance of a child’s sense of belonging to their family; much of their behaviour involves acting out actions when this is not the case. Non-verbal communication is covered too – children’s unconscious minds react strongly to non-symbolic connections, and if you get this right you will bring more calm to their world, and yours. The tips in Kindness Goes a Long Way take you back to your own ‘core intentions’ to be a kind parent and role model – and underline the fact that kindness is the fastest way to bring about change. The child’s point of view is covered in Chapter 5. Understanding their perspective promotes a healthy and connected relationship, and viewing things ‘from their side’ will change the way you react to them, in line with your values and their emotional and cognitive state.

  Some parents need help when it comes to encouraging conversation (rather than interrogation), to improve their communication skills, moving away from ‘master’ talk and towards listening, validating, empathising and being curious. This is hugely significant to the parent–child relationship and for teaching and modelling to children how to communicate with others.

  Ways to build your children’s inner confidence in their own judgement are described in the context of teaching children to trust their instincts, which empowers them to make the right decisions for themselves when you are not around – something we all want. We all think that giving praise is the key to achieving positive outcomes for our children, but there is a downside that many of us are oblivious to – it can have many negative consequences. Praise is good, but it must be effective praise in order to increase their confidence and abilities, rather than create insecurities and a sense of inadequacy.